I already covered the first excerpts from this week?s hilarious In Touch Weekly, all about how Angelina Jolie is still bisexual, to the point where she just loves to randomly hook up with ladies in hotel rooms, and flirt with girl waitresses, and stewardesses, and how Brad can only weep, knowing that he can never satisfy The Jolie (because he lacks biscuits). Anyway, I?ve had the chance to read the whole thing, and it?s EPIC. You know how In Touch absolutely hates Angelina, right? And you know how they can turn the most innocent little thing into some kind of crazy hate-fest? Well, they did it again, and this time they seem to be bashing Angelina because, in the local parlance, Angelina likes to ?get hers?. Basically, she has orgasms, and she encourages Brad to give her as many as she can. DEVIL WOMAN!!! SHUN!!!
But that?s not all, of course. That?s just the subtext. The text is all about Angelina?s insatiable sexual needs, and how she makes Brad feel like he?s not ?man enough? to satisfy her. I?ll be honest, this story turned me on a little:
?One of the the things that broke up Angelina?s marriages to Jonny Lee Miller and Billy Bob Thornton was that she found herself attracted to other women, but her husbands didn?t want her to stray,? says a friend of Angelina?s. As fulfilled as Angelina claims to be in her relationship with brad, those desires remain. Though she is discreet about it, Angelina is intent on making sure those desires are fulfilled - whether or not it would hurt Brad.
When they first hooked up, Angelina wanted sex from Brad all the time. Six kids later, Angelina remains ?a very sexual person,? an insider shares. ?Brad has made a real commitment to make sure that her needs are met.? And that means letting her play a dominant role in their sex life.
In addition to meeting up with ladies for sexual rendezvous at the Roosevelt Hotel, Angelina also requests ?only female servers? and whenever she travels without Brad, she brings a female companion. And along the way, on her many trips, she loves to flirt with beautiful stewardesses. ?She doesn?t do anything like that when the kids are around, but it?s a different story when she?s alone, or with Brad.?
Brad ?had never met a woman as overtly sexual as Angelina, so he was putty in her hands from the start.? Eager to please her, Brad allowed Angelina to be the dominant one in their relationship, and he continues to do that to this day, with their lovemaking session largely cenetered around making her happy.
?Angelina loves to tie Brad down to a chair or to the bed and blindfold him. That?s no secret.?
Some may view her as selfish, but Angelina believes she?s done Brad a favor by expanding his horizons.
?They have a grotto on their Los Feliz compound, and they go there all the time to have sex in the water? they?re not violent, but Angelina likes it rough.? She also likes to role-play. At least once a month, Brad and Angelina check into a hotel room and enjoy a 24 hour ?sex vacation? with Angelina inevitably embracing the dominatrix role.
[From In Touch Weekly, print edition]
*fans self*
Okay, what else? Oh, she takes Brad to lingerie shops and makes him choose her panties. And of course, there?s an excess of stuff about ?poor Brad? and how Angelina would never let HIM sleep with other women, so why does SHE get to? Um, because it?s HOT.
But my absolute FAVORITE part of the story is the photo spread - In Touch compiled all of these photos of Angelina standing next to or hugging various women on, you know, like red carpets and stuff, and In Touch insinuates that Angelina is boning all of them. There?s a photo of Angelina with Holly Goline, her assistant of 12 years, and ITW claims that Holly will ?sleep over? in Angelina?s bed when Brad?s away. There?s a photo of Angelina kissing: a female fan on a red carpet, La Femme Nikita star Peta Wilson, and my two favorites: Queen Rania of Jordan (Angelina is kissing Rania?s cheek, btw, but it certainly looks suggestive), and finally, a photo of Angelina kissing Clint Eastwood?s wife Dina. OH NOES. Angelina is going to homewreck Clint Eastwood! (to get to his wife!)
Is anyone else hot? I?m hot.
Photos courtesy of WENN, InTouch and promotional shots from ?Mr. and Mrs. Smith?.
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